My Kiddos

Well, as most people know, my two oldest kiddos are out of town at the moment. They are spending the summer with their Bio Dad in Alabama. This is their third year in a row so I'm not so worried about them but I do miss them so. They left June 7th and I have yet to talk to them since they been there. You see, both him and his new wife work odd hours. I assume they mean mostly nights as every time I text them, they are working the night shift at their jobs. So it doesn't leave much time for my youngest kiddo and I to talk to them because I work normal day time hours Monday through Friday while my daughter is in child care with a friend of mine. 

See, normally this wouldn't bother me so much as I know that 10 months out of the year I am with all three of my babies and never have any "me time" like the doctor suggests and that during that time they do not ever talk to their Bio Dad. The difference is, I love my kids and miss them and make time to talk to them while they are gone but due to lack of communication from their Bio Dad, it just never happens no matter when I am available. This really bothers me as does the fact that his step daughter who is like early teens, is the one watching my children each night. I only know this because they can't afford child care like I can and he refuses to tell me who is watching them meaning he thinks I will have a problem with it. And it's not so much that I have a problem with it as that I have a problem with him not telling me. In all reality though, my kiddos should not be left with another child and all. Now I know why they come back acting way worse. Their supervision is older children who basically get to do what they want and talk crap and teach my children bad things. Ok maybe, I'm being a little harsh. But my kids are very impressionable and come back with more behavior problems each year. It honestly makes me not want to take them because of the things I hear but what can  I do. He has his rights. And come this time next year they will be begging to go again and I will need a break to get us back on track financially as I do every year and it will happen all over again. Kind of makes me feel like a bad mother but in all reality I'm just following the rules and I need a moment that I never get. And how can I not let my kids see their Bio Dad if he actually wants to see them. I mean ever since he left he didn't act like he had any interest until my son was 3 and my daughter was 5. Before that he never even met my son. 

I'm just your typical mom worrying about her kids to be honest. I mean I think of all the things that could go wrong with another child watching a child and the fact that the particular people watching them are a little on the ill behaved side. And not only that but two are teenage boys. My kids don't even have a way to call me if they need me. That's what I'm really concerned about. I don't know. Maybe I'm just overreacting because I'm a mom and I love and miss my kids.

Until next time!

~Amanda Kay

Kidd and Bandit

July of this year 2013 would have been 2 years since my babies were born and joined our family. 

For a month now Kidd has been missing. I'm most sure of his fate. I feel bad at the fact that he came to me and appeared a little on the skinny side but then took off and never came back. I know now that he was sick at the time. He was my baby and I will truly miss him and hope that he did not suffer much in dieing. 

Bandit on the other hand came home sick seeking help. He was quite a bit on the skinny side seeing as to how he has always been a plump cat. He was my big baby. He was a real "scaredy" cat. But I think it was more a sensory overload on him. New things would scare him. Going outside, all the different things at once would scare him. He started to get used to them but still was scared. Well he came back more skinny than usual. I called the vet and they said it could be heat exhaustion and to keep him inside. He tried to eat and drink but would vomit later. I didn't realize how little he was actually getting into his body or that when cats stop eating, there isn't much time before their liver shuts down. Thinking about it makes me sad because he was my big eater. He was my bigger baby and I loved him so much. He would curl up next to me in bed and just purr at my touch. He was inside the house a full three days and nights and Saturday I had an appointment set for him and just could see him getting worse to the point where he had to have been suffering from whatever was preventing him from keeping his food down and from starvation and dehydration. There wasn't anything I could do for him. As the day went on and I could see him worsening I started thinking about the fact that I may have to put him down and it saddened me. Just thinking about possibly doing so made me cry. I couldn't eat and didn't want to be away from him. I called the vet again to see if there was any way they could see him sooner. After explaining to them what was happening they said to come up and they would squeeze me in. The vet looked at him and told me just looking at his skin and his mouth they could tell his liver was not functioning properly at this point due to not eating properly. He tried eating but just couldn't keep it down. He was severely dehydrated at this point. All these things made me feel worse and worse because what if I had brought him in Wednesday night when he first came home. What if his liver wasn't failing at that point and they could have determined the cause of not being able to keep food down and then he would have gotten better. That's all I can think about. That and the fact that he is gone now. They told me that at this point they couldn't tell why he couldn't eat and the first thing they would have to do is get his liver back on track with iv's and such which could take months. I couldn't bear to leave him in a strange place for months. I already know he was so scared even though he had no strength left to show it. I also knew I could not afford the treatment and what if he didn't get better and only suffered more. I couldn't do that to him. My only choice was to have him put down. It was so hard and just thinking about it makes me cry. I didn't even get to say good bye. Soon as  I signed the paper the lady grabbed him to take him back. At that point all I could think about was what was the last thing he was seeing because falling asleep forever. How he must have been so scared of his surroundings. All I wanted to do was be with him and comfort him in that time. We brought him home in a box. I sad my goodbyes. I had to show ZayLie who is only 3 so she could understand that he is in a better place now and not hurting anymore. She thought we gave him away at first. Then she wanted him to wake up. We let her help us bury him because I think it is important for her to fully understand the best she can that Bandit was sick and had to go away so he could feel better. 

I've not had to do this in such a long time. And he was truly my big baby and it has been so hard. It affected me to the point that I had a headache and stomach ache and just needed to lay down and sleep. I will never forget him. 

One day I may get another cat just as we planned to eventually get another dog. But I want to have the money to properly care for them and take them for checkups and all. I also want to have time to fully mourn the loss of my baby because losing an animal you love is just like losing a child. I know my three year old doesn't fully understand and to her we can just get another but at other times she wishes Bandit would wake up. What's worse is I still have to explain to my other two babies when they get back from spending the summer with their Dad. By then I should be strong enough to talk about it without crying. Until then, this is my final goodbye to both Kidd and Bandit. They were both great cats and will always be in my heart and the hearts of my children.  We love them dearly!

**Reminiscing

I'll never forget the days I brought them home and how playful they were. Kidd was a 4th of July baby born in 2011. Bandit was born the week after. They both would snuggle up next to me in bed each night making their new home their home. Kidd's favorite place to be was across my chest at night in bed or on my shoulders during the day even as he started to get too big. Bandit on the other hand always much preferred being in my lap or snuggled next to my belly at night. They got along well from the beginning and were always close. You'd always catch them curled up with one another in some of the oddest places and oddest positions. Bandit loved to stretch out when he was alone while Kidd would always find himself a pillow which would in turn cause the kids to find him a blanket and tuck him in. They lived almost 2 full years of life with our family and will always be a big part of our hearts. Below you will find some pictures of the memories we have with them...

~Amanda Kay

~~Baby Bandit~~


~~Baby Kidd~~


~~~Kidd and Bandit Love each other~~


~~~Kidd Always Had It Under Control~~


~~Sitting Pretty All The Time~~


~~Every Cat Needs A Blanket Too - He let the kids cover him all the time~~


~~Always someone to stretch out with~~


~~So cute when they sleep~~




~~They spent their whole life together~~


~~Every Cat Needs His Own Blanket And Pillow Too~~


~~Mommas Big Baby~~


~~Kidd Always Let The Kids Do What They Wanted With Him~~


~~Sitting Pretty~~


~~He Loved Me~~


~~He Love Me~~


~~Kidds Idea Of Chillin~~


~~Bandits Idea Of Chillin~~


~~RIP Kidd - You will be forever loved and missed, last time I ever saw you~~


~~RIP Bandit - You will be forever loved and missed, last time I ever saw you~~

Friends

So, I have this friend at work who I like to think we are actually pretty close. At one point it really seemed like it then something happened. I had my own suspicions of what was happening even though she didn't say. I knew it was a boy who was the cause of this difference and that she was keeping something from me. It caused us to be different and for things to happen. What she doesn't realize is that I long ago had figured it out. I'm not stupid and she is my friend and nothing can come between that. Well the other day she finally decided she was going to tell me but then didn't. Later that evening I get a message from him stating they are together and I need to stop telling her he is flirting with me because he is not. Immediately after that he sends a message meant for her stating that the next day all hell was going to break loose. Like seriously. If it weren't for that message I would have simply replied that I was happy for them because in all reality I already had figured this out myself. But then he had to say those words. Not only that but I never said he was flirting with me so I don't know where that even came from. The words I used were "he was being nice to me for once which is weird but he only does it when no one is around." Well when she relayed these messages to him, he took it as I was saying he was flirting. I told her as well that I never said he was flirting and she went at him with that because that was not what she told him even though he took it that way. Anyways, I was not upset about all of this I was truly happy I mean with the way that he is, how could she not fall for his smooth talking. He's so sweet and does all the little things that every woman wants her man to do. But at the same time, he's stupid and immature and inexperienced and clueless and very feminine. More so than we originally thought. 

Anyways, I was upset because she didn't tell me and because I had know for a while she was keeping something from me and it just wasn't the same between us because of it and of course I had put two and two together on my own but all the same, she should have just told me. She was scared to tell me. I mean she sees me like a sister but at the same time I come off like this bitch sometimes. Or I give people the impression that I'm psycho. It's just my defense mechanism that keeps people at a distance from me because to be honest, I'm tired of being hurt. But anyways, I prayed on the way to work that next morning and planned to just put a smile on my face and just be happy because that's me. Sure I wanted to have a talk with her but I didn't want to have any drama either. Well when I got there she smiled and said good morning and I replied good morning and asked if we could talk. We then proceeded to hug because we can't stay mad at each other. It really was ok. We both felt better having gotten everything out in the air. I told her that the only thing I was upset about was the fact that she didn't tell me. That she kept it from me knowing that it was fine. We both expressed the fact that we had prayed on the way to work and how we both felt better and we could see a difference in ourselves like we were back to normal with each other and all. 

After all that was out and everything, things were better. And I know ultimately what she is doing with him. I also know that when someone is that great to you that it's very easy to fall in love and that the other person moves quickly so also be careful. I don't want her to get hurt. I've also learned a lot more things about him and his family since everything. I found out that weekend she was supposed to go with me (he was too) that she went to Houston with him last minute. And the things she said he did for her are exactly him. I can't say there wasn't a bit of jealousy as that was supposed to be my weekend but I'm honestly truly happy for the both of them. She has told him to be nice to me. He's really like her little bitch to be honest. Does anything she wants and all. Which is good for the both of us because she is going to look out for the both of us. I'll always be here, he may get tired of her and leave one day. But at least now, she knows that she can tell me anything. I mean she feels so comfortable she can truly be herself with me and she really can. That's how friends are, but she was still not sure about sharing that one thing with me because she knew how much I liked him. But the way that I like him is totally different. All I wish for is his friendship because he really can be a great guy and he is a very big sweetheart with a wonderful family. I'm just happy we had a great ending to Friday after all that. Until next time!

~Amanda Kay

Random Ramblings

So here I am thinking. I truly don't write as much as I used to and I do wish to write more. I often think that is where my problem lies. It's one of the few things I love most to do and yet I do not make enough time. I decided to start a new blog and leave all the bad of the past behind and just write on a daily basis. Sure there will be some negative that still occurs in my life due to all that I have been through in the past but I feel that I need to just write day by day and no long bring up the past in my thoughts when writing. I believe I have served my purpose on the previous writings and no longer need to do so. My only real concern now is to actually write each day and the fact that I would much rather write in my journal than type here but to type here takes far less time. 

So here I am! I am struggling day by day but at the same time each day  I find reason to smile and laugh and be happy. No matter what brings me down inside, you will not see it on the outside as I much prefer to be happy. But I may write about them in an effort to keep the negative at bay. In doing this I may find people who feel the same. We may talk and discuss different things. I don't know really. I don't have a plan, I just need and want to write and writing is good for the soul and the mind. So here is to my first writing and let's hope tomorrow finds more or maybe at least once a week. 

~Amanda Kay